Sweet child

Oh sweet child... how I miss you. We went through so much together, and at times, I even forget that you are gone. I still expect that when I go to G-ma and G-pa's house, that you will be there... playing with your toys, making a mess. 


Your sweet innocent face... That face that hid all the devilment inside of you. How you would throw your toys but as soon as someone said something you would smile, all was forgotten, and as you would start to pick them up and put them away, we would forget all that just happened, awe and say, "What a good boy." How is it you put this spell over us? It was as if with one look, you erased all the pain, and anger in our hearts, and replaced it with childish enjoyment. 


It seems as if no matter what I do, I cannot help but show great lamentation towards the loss of you. I have reached an impasse in my mourning for you. I am stuck on the grieving and the questions why, for some reason my soul will not move on to the stage where I see that you are in a better place, where you have moved on to less pain and a place where you serve the father better than I could ever imagine. What sorrow comes to me every time something reminds me of you, I grow silent with the ever rushing memories, and then, for an instant, you seem to dissipate. You are slightly blurred in my memories. Panic, I cannot lose you more than I already have, how could I begin to forget? 


I visit you often, our many conversations help me through such difficulties that I had never imagined. You are a better listener than I could ever hope to be. I cannot fathom the secrets you have been made to promise to keep to yourself. I wish you would just come back into my life. I wish that you could comment on this post, and say, "I miss you too sis."  But I know deep down that that will never be able to come true. I know deep down, that you will forever be out of my reach until I make that same long journey myself so many years from now. 


The only thing I ask of you dear brother, is that you wait for me in that place of golden gates. That when I walk through those beloved doors, it is you who will be there to hold my hand and welcome me into this new world in which I will not be accustomed to.
Here is to you Dear Nicholas. Be safe, spread those wings, and please watch over all of us.

 "I hate to look into those eyes 

And see an ounce of pain." -Guns&Roses. 

If you have ever lost someone, and feel that this post reaches out to you, feel free to share your story, There is no judgement here, only a place to let your emotions free. And may all your loved ones, and all your heart aches rest in peace.