lost.

its amazing how out of place in somewhere you always belonged..

No More Cleaning Please.

You know sometimes I really wish I had the capability of cleaning things once, and being able to keep them clean. (without getting them dirty again) 


I am really done with cleaning my room. I just don't have it in me anymore. I have come to accept that I have too much stuff, in which i DO NOT want to get rid of. That I have too many clothes, that I will never wear. And that I have no where to put my excess material. 


I have bad habits, and expensive cluttering hobbies, and I refuse to change when my bedroom remains vigilant in its decision to stay small. I will not be the better person, I will not be the first to surrender. So either my room grows bigger and installs cabinets, or it stays dirty. So there.

*Rawr*

So this week is so unbelievably crazy slow. I feel like today should be Thursday, and I should be at work right now. Obviously that is not what today is, and there are still two horrible days between me and Friday night. 


I, for one, am thoroughly against the days of the week thinking they can take the liberty of making their hours linger on forrreeever. But that is just my opinion. 


I am slowly running out of topics to talk about on here and this is making me very sad. So if anyone wants to post on here something they would like to know, or a picture and or drawing they would like feel free to post suggestions in the Comment box below.

Never Ending

Ever feel like you just can't win? That you are not important enough to be noticed? That everyone would be better off without you?

Well it's a crock of shit.

Even though we may feel like this at times, eventually, maybe even the next day, we come to a realization that we are idiots for even letting the thought be processed. I for one am sick and tired of being told I am 'useless' and 'meaningless'. Anyone who tells you this can shove it.

I hope everyone who reads this realizes that when you tell someone they are not 'good enough' or that you are 'better than them' that in everyone of those put down poor peoples hearts, something dies a little. Not being appreciated and not being wanted are the two most severe feelings someone could ever have, and you are enabling that evilness inside someone to take over. Often parents are guilty of making their children feel this way, and they don't even realize it, or they choose not to acknowledge the effect has on their child.

Well I am here to tell you that it rips us apart inside out. You have NO right to blame us for happenings that are not our fault, you have NO right to tell us that it is our fault we are in the money situation YOU got YOURSELF into.

I hate seeing parents belittle their children for something they aren't even responsible for. The other day I had gone shopping and saw this mother with her 16 year old daughter. And I thought "Gee... Isn't that nice to see a mother and her teenage child shopping together." Then I realized the expression on the younger girls face. It looked as if she was wanting, like she was appreciating the clothes she was seeing, but knew that they would never be in her wardrobe. Then I over heard what the mother was saying to her, "You might want to look for an extra large in that, you know how you don't fit into clothes anymore. I don't understand why you even look at that style, I can see your fat in the jeans you are wearing now enough as it is." Immediately I was heart broken. This young lady must have been 5'5" and maybe 120, that is pushing it. She looked so nice for her shape and size I had myself thinking, "Now there is a teenager who should be happy with the way she looks" And as her and her mother are exiting the store, I see her wipe a single tear off the side of her face, turn around, plaster a fake (believable) smile and go on her way.

It might seem innocent enough to the mother now, but that girl is gonna go home, skip dinner and probably sit in her room look at the mirror and doubt herself. She will probably doubt herself till the day she leaves that household. Way to go Mom. You just destroyed your child, broke her down, and made her feel utterly incapable and useless.

I am here to Fight this feeling, even though it is imposed upon me at times. Who is with me??

Sweet child

Oh sweet child... how I miss you. We went through so much together, and at times, I even forget that you are gone. I still expect that when I go to G-ma and G-pa's house, that you will be there... playing with your toys, making a mess. 


Your sweet innocent face... That face that hid all the devilment inside of you. How you would throw your toys but as soon as someone said something you would smile, all was forgotten, and as you would start to pick them up and put them away, we would forget all that just happened, awe and say, "What a good boy." How is it you put this spell over us? It was as if with one look, you erased all the pain, and anger in our hearts, and replaced it with childish enjoyment. 


It seems as if no matter what I do, I cannot help but show great lamentation towards the loss of you. I have reached an impasse in my mourning for you. I am stuck on the grieving and the questions why, for some reason my soul will not move on to the stage where I see that you are in a better place, where you have moved on to less pain and a place where you serve the father better than I could ever imagine. What sorrow comes to me every time something reminds me of you, I grow silent with the ever rushing memories, and then, for an instant, you seem to dissipate. You are slightly blurred in my memories. Panic, I cannot lose you more than I already have, how could I begin to forget? 


I visit you often, our many conversations help me through such difficulties that I had never imagined. You are a better listener than I could ever hope to be. I cannot fathom the secrets you have been made to promise to keep to yourself. I wish you would just come back into my life. I wish that you could comment on this post, and say, "I miss you too sis."  But I know deep down that that will never be able to come true. I know deep down, that you will forever be out of my reach until I make that same long journey myself so many years from now. 


The only thing I ask of you dear brother, is that you wait for me in that place of golden gates. That when I walk through those beloved doors, it is you who will be there to hold my hand and welcome me into this new world in which I will not be accustomed to.
Here is to you Dear Nicholas. Be safe, spread those wings, and please watch over all of us.

 "I hate to look into those eyes 

And see an ounce of pain." -Guns&Roses. 

If you have ever lost someone, and feel that this post reaches out to you, feel free to share your story, There is no judgement here, only a place to let your emotions free. And may all your loved ones, and all your heart aches rest in peace.

Oh great Dictator.

"I'm sorry.", "It's all my fault.", "I'm sorry.", "No, I'm sorry I'm really not giving you attitude.", "I'm sorry.", "Whatever you say.", "I'm sorry.", "Please don't yell at me." "I'm sorry.", "I don't know what I even did wrong.", "I'm sorry.", "Relax I'm not even yelling at you.", "I'm sorry.", "Why are you yelling at me?"


Put down, put down, put down. You really think we will ever come back? 
Put down, put down, put down. Oh great Dictator.
Put down, put down, put down. I just want to avoid that smack.
Put down, put down, put down. Oh great Dictator.
Put down, put down, put down. Why do you cause me such pain?
Put down, put down, put down. Oh great Dictator.
Put down, put down, put down. What love have I left to gain?


Free me from this plague of existence. Will you help me escape? Will you help me survive? 
Struggling from this horrid place, will I ever survive?


Oh great Dictator.








(piece for my new short novel??) Ever feel like your being controlled? Wanna fight against 'the man'? Share your story below. Everyone needs to get this stuff out once in a while.

Just live your life (eyy eyy eyy)

It doesn't matter who you are,

what your job is,

that special someone you are with,

It doesn't matter if you have good grades in school,

Or if you have the perfect life at home.

The only things that matter are:

 that you are happy with who you are,

who you have become,

What impression you leave on the people in your life,

and that you surround yourself with people who match the same code.

The Joys of waitressing

1. Having a great, funny employer.
2. The restaurant doubling as a bar = more fun
3. Great customers.
4. Customers with a sense of humor.
5. Good music.
6. Being able to dress up.
7. Picking on the cooks.
8. Good food.
9. TIPS $$$$


I honestly love working at my job. It's fun the people are great and my employer is the best. I had a great night tonight and I just thought I would share my joy with everyone.

Anyone else love their job? Feel free to share below!

I need you now.

Ever feel like you are completely alone when surrounded by people? Always know that one person who you know will make you whole again but you can't reach them? 

These past two weeks I have been struggling with just this. I feel very empty, confused and out of place. 

Nothing seems right for me this week. I can't stand it. Every inch of my skin is crawling with the need to be held, my mind is begging for me to create, but my hands struggle once the paper is before me, and I just want the one person around me who makes me feel inspired.

Any of you ever feel like this? Know any cure? (besides being with that one person?) I'd love your feed back.

Birthday Girl!

Today is my mothers Birthday! Hurray! We are going bowling and then eating food that is really bad for us and we are going to have a wonderful time. 

My mom is definitely worth a spot on my blog because she is inspiring, she is hysterical, she is smart, she is funny, and most of all she is my friend. 


Love you mom, happy birthday!

Oh those little insecurities

I wish I could face those insecurities. I wish I could push past them. I wish we all could. It's just a vicious circle of self loathing and self deprecation. It sickens me to my stomach that these thoughts even pass through anyones head. (they pass through my own as well) 


Why do we let these poisonous thoughts roam the thoughts of us beautiful people? It is a terrible plague among our amazing minds. Yet, whenever we someone prettier pretty, some one better good. We always put ourselves down, and make ourselves feel so small. I for one am sick and tired of being this type of person, I will not stand for any male or female (or whatever your sex is) to be belittled by your own mind!

We must stand up and fight this illness together!

Who is with me???

Old Forgetful

Ahh Valentine's Day. What to say, what to say?? Well I have come up empty. I spent today with my best GIRL friend, and we were each others Valentine. I had a good time, we painted and played video games (Not at the same time of course) But no "Happy Valentine's Day" from the one who mattered. Not even one single flower. That's why we have friends right?? Exactly. Some drawings will be up soon :] 

Somedays... You just don't feel it.

I spent some time with my boyfriend, and friends this afternoon, but once I got home... I just didn't feel right. 


Which I didn't understand. I had a pretty good weekend, a good day, then all of the sudden, BAM. It was like a freight train of sadness, and overwhelment. 


Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that there are just those nights where... 'You just don't feel it'. Whether it is happiness or inspiration... there are those day that for some reason or another, you just cannot have what you crave. 


Well it's time to let bygones be bygones and try and salvage the rest of my night. 










Ever feel like you have one of these days? Please share below, it's nice to know your not alone.

Pets or pests?

 Now I am strictly a Pet Lover. No matter what I will always have an animal. Lately though, I have begun to wonder if pets are a blessing, or just a really lazy alarm clock. Both Of these are my dogs, the one on top is the oldest her name is Dakota, and the one beneath her is Reba. They are both Norwegian Elk-hounds, and both girls. Although when they aren't sleeping, and that doesn't seem to be to often, they seem to be waking me up with a nice wet nose right in the face. So, lovable adoring pet? Or someone who just wants to wake you up? I love playing with Reba, because she always just gets so paranoid, but then not 5 seconds later she will lay down and use her toy as a pillow and back off to snoring she goes!! 


Anyone have any funny pet stories? I'd appreciate reading your input(:

I really don't like you.

Don't you hate it when someone you really don't like wont stop bothering/pestering you? I do. There is this boy in my Anthropology class. He drives me UP A WALL. Yet he walks around the class making fun of me and telling me in a joking slightly serious matter "Shut up before i rip your friggin throat out" Which by happenstance, I do not appreciate. So I tell him some choice words on how it would be to his benefit if he would move away from me and leave me alone, unless he really doesn't want to have kids as he gets older. For some odd reason he laughs and taps me on the shoulder like I am kidding. I have made it perfectly clear to him that i do not like him in anyway shape or form yet he continues. I simply do not understand the idiocy and pure ignorance of today's youth.




Any similar stories? I'd like to hear that I'm not the only one with this problem.